Warmth

Found this in my drafts literally years after I originally wrote it. I'm not sure I would ever write a piece like this now but at one point it felt like the right thing to write about.

Tonight I’m dreaming of some place the sun doesn’t set,

Unending meadows with flowers of course,

Sunflowers bathed in soft sunshine.

I’m dreaming of the warmth on my skin,

The breeze that gently brushes loose ends of my tied hair,

The wet grass in between my toes.

Right in the middle of this dark night,

I’m dreaming of something I dream of quite often these days,

I’m dreaming of you.

Among those dancing sunflowers I see you,

Your back is turned to me and the blue on your shirt is glistening,

Your beautiful hands holding the camera I got you as a going away gift.

You turn to me, your face hidden behind the camera,

I smile, thinking of how you’ll stick this picture next to the others on our fridge.

Then finally you put it down and I see the entirety of your face,

The hair that falls on your forehead, the small dimple on your chin.

As you walk towards me I try to remember the moment when I became this person,

The person your love has made me.

This wasn’t a part of the plan you know,

I didn’t dream of a home,

I wasn’t thinking about who I would spend this life with,

I wanted to be the woman who could conquer, armed and unaffected,

But then you came along.

I still want to conquer but I also want the day to end with the sound of your steady heartbeat,

I still want adventure but in that stupid blue van that you painted over the weekend,

I still want to be armed but with the assurance of your irrevocable love.

You made me this person and you changed that apartment into a home.

If time were to stop forever I wish it would be here, in this sunshine, in this warmth, with you.

Yours,
Akanksha.

Contentment

Contentment
kənˈtɛntm(ə)nt/
noun;
          a state of happiness and satisfaction

I know I haven’t been around much to talk or share things with you guys but today after quite some time I thought of something worth sharing. These past few months have been an overwhelming series of ups and downs. So much that I am happy about, and so much that I wish I could erase from my memory permanently but it’s all happened and I’m okay now. It’s in these few months that I realized something I found very difficult to comprehend earlier.

I learnt to be happy irrespective of what was going on around. Now I might sound a little crazy when I say this because how can you be happy if people around you are hurting or someone made you sad or if things aren’t working fine?! That’s exactly how I used to think until I realized that horrible things happen all the time and they’re inevitable, but does that mean that we must immerse ourselves in sadness till something good happens?

We are dependent on others when it comes to how we feel, so much so that we have become a reaction to the world around us. Our circumstances have made us lose our identity. What you and I need is to become independent. Of course, we will feel a certain way about a certain situation but if you’re letting that emotion take over you, you’re messing it up.

Draw a line, a boundary that tells you it’s time to change into a fresh pair of clothes and get on. The moment you start doing that, you take your first step on the ladder of contentment. In most of my posts before I’ve told you to start doing things that make you happy. I for one have started singing along to my favorite music even when I sound like a crow, I leave my curtains open more often, letting sunlight stream in, I eat whatever I like, smile as much as I can. Cliche much? Well it may seem like that, but I am starting to feel better, happier.

I felt like I had lost myself owing to the circumstances around me. I felt so far away from who I truly was that I was scared I’d never be able to see the old me. I could sense it, see it. How different had my approach become, how strange my reactions were, how less my patience was. It was difficult, it always is but you cannot cry about it forever, can you? Give second chances and learn to take them too. These days when I’m sad I give myself time, but I refuse to wait for another to turn it around for me, I do it myself.

I hope reading this makes you realize that you can be happy too and there really has to be no one but you to do it. This is probably not the best I’ve written but it means a lot to me. To be able to tell you all that there is a way and that I’m trying it too is something I am happy about.

I don’t think I need to give you happiness today, you see it’s lying right within you😊

Thank you for making time and reading this!

Love, love and more love,

Girl online.

Clean Slate

I didn’t have the courage to say all this in front of everyone. So, I am writing this and I know you’ll never get a chance to read this but I’m going to leave it with the flowers anyway. I can’t let you go without telling you just how much you meant to me. I’m going to be honest today and no matter how bitter I sound I need you to know that although a part of me longs for you to come back, I’m glad this came to an end. You were important, really important until yesterday, until I realized I didn’t need you, until you left me. Don’t get me wrong I’m so thankful, I’m grateful for all the things you taught me. Even the worst days taught me so much. You never failed to stand in front of me like a mirror reminding me of who I am, who I was and you succeeded each time. But today, now that you’re gone I know I don’t ever have to look at that mirror again, the one I scratched, chipped, broke. I’m going to buy myself a new one, one that I will replace every time it gets ruined. I won’t tape it, won’t make excuses for it, I’ll replace it. I think I was so caught up with you that I never looked at what at what lay beyond you. I wasted so many hours, days, months on you that it’s like I had forgotten about what really mattered. I always thought you were the one, the one who decided who I was going to be. Now that you’ve left I know that you were absolutely wrong, You were wrong about everything and there was someone else I should’ve trusted. Someone who kept trying to tell me that you didn’t matter. Rude huh? It’s the truth. But don’t worry there is something else that I love you for. I love you for teaching me, for being the biggest lesson of my life. I am happy I got to spend those beautiful days with you too and those are the one’s I’ll keep forever. I will cherish them when I miss you. But something tells me I won’t miss you that often.

So my dear past, this is my eulogy, I know you were expecting me to say it out loud but I couldn't. I’m sorry you couldn’t live forever but I hope you find peace and that up there you know that I’m okay without you. I think things are already getting better here. Don’t be sad that I don’t miss you enough, I do, it’s just that you couldn’t leave your mark like you always wanted to. It’s a clean slate dear friend. Goodbye.

not yours anymore, 

Akanksha.

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Yup I know. I just eulogized my past, it was about time, wasn’t it?

I'm sending more than love today, I'm sending courage, self belief and happiness.

yours,

Girl online.

Healing

“I stood with my eyes lowered I didn’t have the courage to look up, to look into mum’s eyes. I told her everything, how I had messed up, how I was sorry. I waited for her to yell at me, slap me, scold me. But there was absolute silence. When I looked up I saw disappointment written on her face, her eyes sad, her wrinkles prominent. I cried begging her to punish me but all she said was, “I wish I’d taught you better”. That was it, I crumbled, no part of me was okay, I wanted to hit myself, kill myself. I knew for sure that this time nothing would make it better.”

We all fall and it hurts each time we do.

Sometimes it’s just a bruise. Sometimes we break our bones.

But we always heal. Our wounds slowly fade away. The pain disappears and new skin, healed bones, strength replace them.

Now what if we keep hitting, scratching that place. The wound would still heal, but it would just take a little longer.

So ultimately we heal as time passes by but sometimes we choose to increase the pain by hurting ourselves repeatedly whereas sometimes we choose the easier path and let wounds fade.

 I never understood the latter until I changed into one.

Like every other normal person, I’ve made plenty of mistakes, I still do make them.

What’s changed is how I deal with them.

Every time I let someone down, myself down, I spent the next few days caged. I don’t think I can find the right words for it. But I was just so upset that I wasted time crying, repenting. I didn’t really do anything that would make my situation better. Instead I ran away from them. I refused face any of them. Crying, staying sad worked until it did, then after sometime it turned to anger and frustration. I began regretting everything, doubting myself, caging myself. I started hating me.  

And to be honest it got me nowhere, literally nothing, no regret was gone, the sadness still remained, I was still helpless.

But slowly as I started thinking about it, I realized that I actually never did anything to help myself. I made things worse. So this one time when I was hit by that wave of regret and sadness I did something different. I worked to make things better.

I apologized to all the people I hurt.

I learned to forgive myself.

I learnt to turn the sadness into productivity.

I regained hope and worked harder.

I’m not perfect at it but I’m learning and I will never stop trying.

Now don’t get me wrong. It is necessary to regret your bad decision, to be sad about letting someone down, to feel low because if none of these things happen then it means that it doesn’t affect you. Then you just don’t care enough. Let your conscience prick you and make you realize that you were wrong.

But don’t let it take over you. Don’t let it become this vicious cycle you can’t let go off. To be upset is okay but to let it last forever is not. Learn to pull yourself out of it before it’s too late.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Things will eventually work out. You need to hustle and keep faith.

Don’t ever make decisions when you’re hurt. They are impulsive and painful. To hurt yourself, to punish yourself you make choices that you will regret for a lifetime.

Try to love yourself. No matter what you need to regain balance and find that person you’ve wanted to become.

Trust me, slowly with time everything will be alright.

Like I said before, wounds always heal, sooner or later but they do.

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This is for a very special friend of mine. I hope you remember just how much we love you. Don’t give up, I’ll stick by you no matter what.

Also to all my beautiful friends reading this, you’ll be just fine. The universe is helping you.

Love, support and more love:)

Your very own, Girl online.

Alive

So just recently, I watched a movie that I instantly fell in love with, it’s called ‘The bucket list’.

It’s about two men from completely different backgrounds who end up unfortunately or fortunately next to each other in a hospital room with just six months left before they die. Complete strangers with completely different beliefs decide to go on a trip to complete the bucket list items that each of them had written down as a joke. Turns out that in these last few months when they were just a step away from death, they learned how to live life in its true meaning. The traveled all around the world crossing off items one by one from their list but most of all they discover things about each, about themselves that they hadn’t come across all their lives. The movie ends in one of the two passing away while the other finally learning how to live life in the way it’s supposed to be lived.

Something about that movie or maybe the thought that it put me in made me reflect upon the most daunting truth of our lives; what if we don’t get a prior notice before we fall in the depths of death, what if we don’t get a chance to fulfill our bucket list? what if on the day of our death just before we are about breathe our last breath we realize how much we regret the things we did in life and the things we didn’t?

Can you imagine how worthless everything will be if we spend the last few minutes of our life regretting instead of reminiscing? Well I can imagine and I cannot explain just how much it terrifies me.

Now this might sound cliché but it is the truth, the only way to live a ‘successful life’ is to live it, each day. It does seem next to impossible and believe me it took me a while to comprehend it as well but now that I’m in the process of understanding, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I regret more than half of the days I lived.

I don’t want to repent any decision I make henceforth, I don’t want to go to bed calling it an unsuccessful day, I don’t want to waste any more time regretting.

As far as wrong decisions are concerned we must know that we make choices because they seem right at the moment but sometimes when the outcome doesn’t turn out great, we call them mistakes.

So why repent?

Each one of us has a different definition of a perfect life. A perfect life cannot be measured by the amount of money that one makes, number of goals one scored in a lifetime, the number of countries one conquered. A perfect life has a unique meaning and each one of us should look for our true meaning. Each day is a small addition to our perfect life so waiting for the one day is not a very smart move because that one day might be great but the others that you wasted weigh its importance down.

It all might be too much to take and it is for me too but the sooner we realize, the better because then we have more chances to make that perfect life.

Think about it and I’m sure you’ll find a way to make each and every day count. I will not say “it’s never too late’ today because time is slipping away and there will never be enough time.

I aspire to spend those last few minutes of my life smiling, reminiscing, ready to start the new chapter.

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I hope this touched your heart like it touched mine💙

Truckloads of love,

Girl online.

Choices

“Family dinners, mildly entertaining events that sometimes leave you questioning your genes. Like almost always, the two families were on the dinner table busy talking about a lot of stuff that didn’t matter and some that did.  Amidst forced small talk popped the most irritating question of all times,” beta, what are you planning to do later in life? My parents started before I could breathe out the answer, she’s doing medicine, she studies all day, she is the topper of her class, we’re so proud of her, blah, blah, blah. On hearing this the couple fake smiled and proceeded by taunting their daughter. “did you hear that? she’s in med school and you are dancing still stuck in that fantasy of yours. She’ll be successful while you’ll stay in this small institute. Both she and me looked at each other with sad eyes. The pain was so evident that one could read their thoughts, except for the only people who were expected to. You could tell the difference of emotion in them, her eyes screamed hurt for her own parents had rejected her while mine were envious for she was brave enough to chase her dream despite the rejection.”

Choices. We have to make them all the time. Some easy and small ones, some life changing ones. They are not easy to make and they often put you in a dilemma. How do we know if it’s the right choice?

We are often told that the right one is the one that makes your heart flutter, satisfies your gut, agrees with your loved ones.

I wouldn’t agree to the least

Decisions are made after thinking many things through, the heart, instinct does play a role but to depend on them to make life decisions is too dreamy even for me :p

Most of my close friends are at the turning points of their lives, they are ready to start the next important chapter. In these times decision making becomes a rather difficult and emotional process. At such a tender age we face various hurdles while making decisions. I personally think that when such things are concerned we should take a stand and decide for our own selves rather than listening to the “society”. Taking aid from people that are important in your life is not wrong but letting them choose for you is.

By this time, we have a fair idea of what we like doing. Deciding what you want to do for the rest of your lives sounds huge but in reality the answer to this decision is quiet simple.

Do what you like to do.

One sentence. That’s all. Each one of us has at least one thing that exhilarates us, makes us happy, something that we can do all day, something that we call our strength.

I refuse to accept that anyone of us is “average” in fact I hate that word. No one is average its just that our social system defines “intelligence” in such a narrow way that someone with a 60% is simply termed average. We all have something unique, special about us, even if does doesn’t fit in what we are accustomed to call a “constructive degree” or “intelligence”. Being the next generation it’s our responsibility to think differently, to pave the way for our own selves and the ones to come.

So what if you suck at science or math seems like Greek to you, that does not define your intelligence. We are all unique. If we all start doing the same things, what is the point? if we become clones, what is the point?

Before deciding anything ask yourself, does this make you happy? Will you be able to do it for the rest of your life without losing that drive? Are you ready to fight for it?

Asking yourself, giving it thought will definitely help you make the right choice. And don’t be afraid, even if it’s not the right one you still have the time the change to what makes you happy, it’s never too late. But ultimately the goal is to achieve happiness. I know that money and respect are equally important but if you have all the money in this world and nobody to share it with, nothing to do with it, then what is the point?

Look at it from an individual point of view, not from another’s eyes. Let yourself lose, feel inspired, learn, nurture because these are the things that will mould your life.

And most important of all, remember to love yourself no matter what you chose, don’t be too hard on yourself, it will never help.

I hope all of ya’ll make the right choice!

Lots and lots of love,

Girl Online.

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Guys, after my recent posts a lot of you have been asking me if the small stories that I write before my blog (the part in italics) is from a book that I’ve read or from another source. To answer your question, no I write that on my own. Everything that I write here is purely what I feel. But in case you want to read more about the themes that I write on, please message me on my social media, I will definitely recommend some of my favorites.

Same Old, Now New.

“The enormous structure had captivated me, its arches, it’s angles, the tomb, everything seemed to fit perfectly in coherence. I could look at it all day, admire it all the time. The Taj Mahal, a structure made out of love, for love, by someone who loved. I could never look at it any other way. The aura that it gave out, its vibe, it all allured me insanely. Such a picturesque sight, it made you forget about everything flawed in this world. As I peacefully looked at it a man next to me interrupted my thoughts, he kept rambling about how overcrowded the place was, how it wasn’t maintained, how the river Yamuna as unclean, how everything about this place was disgusting. He continued for a while as I tried my best not to let his negativity infect me. Then he looked at me and said “Miss, don’t you think this place needs beautification?”, I smiled as I stared at the marvel and said,” In my opinion I have never come across anything more stunning. You see sir it’s all about perspective”

Perspective

It might seem like an unimportant 11 letter word but in reality it can change the way you see everything.

Has it ever occurred to you that all 7 billion of us have a set of different eyes and a completely different mind. That means that there are 7 billion ways of looking at something. and yet an opinion of a single disdainful mind influences us all. What we lack is perspective.

A perspective cannot be classified; you cannot call it good or bad. The world is as it is and yet we all see it differently.  It’s just the way we look at things. Like I said all of us can look at the same road and see such different things.

For a man who is heading to his dreary workplace, the road might seem drab and painful, for a backpacker it is the beginning of something amazing, for a mother visiting her children it’s a blessing, for a young girl leaving her house to fulfill her dreams, the road is a new beginning.

Each one of them see it differently, uniquely.

Circumstances make things seem a certain way but if we learn to see things positively even in the worst of times, we’d love our life.

I cannot count the times I’ve noticed the flaws than looking at how amazing something was. I regret it. If only we started seeing things as more an opportunity than our duty, if we saw the beauty instead of the drawbacks, if we appreciated the good the condemning the bad. The world would seem beautiful.

We let the wrong takeover, don’t do that. I wish I could say that just one morning after a good night’s sleep waking up in the bright sun would change your perspective, but it doesn’t work that way. It’s a gradual, beautiful, meaningful process.

Every time you look at the somber sky, appreciate its hue don’t condemn its dullness.Start with something small. Slowly, the world will change, the same old will change into a wonderful new.

I’m learning and I cannot tell you how thankful I am.

Until next time folks,

Girl online.