Healing

“I stood with my eyes lowered I didn’t have the courage to look up, to look into mum’s eyes. I told her everything, how I had messed up, how I was sorry. I waited for her to yell at me, slap me, scold me. But there was absolute silence. When I looked up I saw disappointment written on her face, her eyes sad, her wrinkles prominent. I cried begging her to punish me but all she said was, “I wish I’d taught you better”. That was it, I crumbled, no part of me was okay, I wanted to hit myself, kill myself. I knew for sure that this time nothing would make it better.”

We all fall and it hurts each time we do.

Sometimes it’s just a bruise. Sometimes we break our bones.

But we always heal. Our wounds slowly fade away. The pain disappears and new skin, healed bones, strength replace them.

Now what if we keep hitting, scratching that place. The wound would still heal, but it would just take a little longer.

So ultimately we heal as time passes by but sometimes we choose to increase the pain by hurting ourselves repeatedly whereas sometimes we choose the easier path and let wounds fade.

 I never understood the latter until I changed into one.

Like every other normal person, I’ve made plenty of mistakes, I still do make them.

What’s changed is how I deal with them.

Every time I let someone down, myself down, I spent the next few days caged. I don’t think I can find the right words for it. But I was just so upset that I wasted time crying, repenting. I didn’t really do anything that would make my situation better. Instead I ran away from them. I refused face any of them. Crying, staying sad worked until it did, then after sometime it turned to anger and frustration. I began regretting everything, doubting myself, caging myself. I started hating me.  

And to be honest it got me nowhere, literally nothing, no regret was gone, the sadness still remained, I was still helpless.

But slowly as I started thinking about it, I realized that I actually never did anything to help myself. I made things worse. So this one time when I was hit by that wave of regret and sadness I did something different. I worked to make things better.

I apologized to all the people I hurt.

I learned to forgive myself.

I learnt to turn the sadness into productivity.

I regained hope and worked harder.

I’m not perfect at it but I’m learning and I will never stop trying.

Now don’t get me wrong. It is necessary to regret your bad decision, to be sad about letting someone down, to feel low because if none of these things happen then it means that it doesn’t affect you. Then you just don’t care enough. Let your conscience prick you and make you realize that you were wrong.

But don’t let it take over you. Don’t let it become this vicious cycle you can’t let go off. To be upset is okay but to let it last forever is not. Learn to pull yourself out of it before it’s too late.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Things will eventually work out. You need to hustle and keep faith.

Don’t ever make decisions when you’re hurt. They are impulsive and painful. To hurt yourself, to punish yourself you make choices that you will regret for a lifetime.

Try to love yourself. No matter what you need to regain balance and find that person you’ve wanted to become.

Trust me, slowly with time everything will be alright.

Like I said before, wounds always heal, sooner or later but they do.

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This is for a very special friend of mine. I hope you remember just how much we love you. Don’t give up, I’ll stick by you no matter what.

Also to all my beautiful friends reading this, you’ll be just fine. The universe is helping you.

Love, support and more love:)

Your very own, Girl online.