Healing

“I stood with my eyes lowered I didn’t have the courage to look up, to look into mum’s eyes. I told her everything, how I had messed up, how I was sorry. I waited for her to yell at me, slap me, scold me. But there was absolute silence. When I looked up I saw disappointment written on her face, her eyes sad, her wrinkles prominent. I cried begging her to punish me but all she said was, “I wish I’d taught you better”. That was it, I crumbled, no part of me was okay, I wanted to hit myself, kill myself. I knew for sure that this time nothing would make it better.”

We all fall and it hurts each time we do.

Sometimes it’s just a bruise. Sometimes we break our bones.

But we always heal. Our wounds slowly fade away. The pain disappears and new skin, healed bones, strength replace them.

Now what if we keep hitting, scratching that place. The wound would still heal, but it would just take a little longer.

So ultimately we heal as time passes by but sometimes we choose to increase the pain by hurting ourselves repeatedly whereas sometimes we choose the easier path and let wounds fade.

 I never understood the latter until I changed into one.

Like every other normal person, I’ve made plenty of mistakes, I still do make them.

What’s changed is how I deal with them.

Every time I let someone down, myself down, I spent the next few days caged. I don’t think I can find the right words for it. But I was just so upset that I wasted time crying, repenting. I didn’t really do anything that would make my situation better. Instead I ran away from them. I refused face any of them. Crying, staying sad worked until it did, then after sometime it turned to anger and frustration. I began regretting everything, doubting myself, caging myself. I started hating me.  

And to be honest it got me nowhere, literally nothing, no regret was gone, the sadness still remained, I was still helpless.

But slowly as I started thinking about it, I realized that I actually never did anything to help myself. I made things worse. So this one time when I was hit by that wave of regret and sadness I did something different. I worked to make things better.

I apologized to all the people I hurt.

I learned to forgive myself.

I learnt to turn the sadness into productivity.

I regained hope and worked harder.

I’m not perfect at it but I’m learning and I will never stop trying.

Now don’t get me wrong. It is necessary to regret your bad decision, to be sad about letting someone down, to feel low because if none of these things happen then it means that it doesn’t affect you. Then you just don’t care enough. Let your conscience prick you and make you realize that you were wrong.

But don’t let it take over you. Don’t let it become this vicious cycle you can’t let go off. To be upset is okay but to let it last forever is not. Learn to pull yourself out of it before it’s too late.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Things will eventually work out. You need to hustle and keep faith.

Don’t ever make decisions when you’re hurt. They are impulsive and painful. To hurt yourself, to punish yourself you make choices that you will regret for a lifetime.

Try to love yourself. No matter what you need to regain balance and find that person you’ve wanted to become.

Trust me, slowly with time everything will be alright.

Like I said before, wounds always heal, sooner or later but they do.

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This is for a very special friend of mine. I hope you remember just how much we love you. Don’t give up, I’ll stick by you no matter what.

Also to all my beautiful friends reading this, you’ll be just fine. The universe is helping you.

Love, support and more love:)

Your very own, Girl online.

Alive

So just recently, I watched a movie that I instantly fell in love with, it’s called ‘The bucket list’.

It’s about two men from completely different backgrounds who end up unfortunately or fortunately next to each other in a hospital room with just six months left before they die. Complete strangers with completely different beliefs decide to go on a trip to complete the bucket list items that each of them had written down as a joke. Turns out that in these last few months when they were just a step away from death, they learned how to live life in its true meaning. The traveled all around the world crossing off items one by one from their list but most of all they discover things about each, about themselves that they hadn’t come across all their lives. The movie ends in one of the two passing away while the other finally learning how to live life in the way it’s supposed to be lived.

Something about that movie or maybe the thought that it put me in made me reflect upon the most daunting truth of our lives; what if we don’t get a prior notice before we fall in the depths of death, what if we don’t get a chance to fulfill our bucket list? what if on the day of our death just before we are about breathe our last breath we realize how much we regret the things we did in life and the things we didn’t?

Can you imagine how worthless everything will be if we spend the last few minutes of our life regretting instead of reminiscing? Well I can imagine and I cannot explain just how much it terrifies me.

Now this might sound cliché but it is the truth, the only way to live a ‘successful life’ is to live it, each day. It does seem next to impossible and believe me it took me a while to comprehend it as well but now that I’m in the process of understanding, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I regret more than half of the days I lived.

I don’t want to repent any decision I make henceforth, I don’t want to go to bed calling it an unsuccessful day, I don’t want to waste any more time regretting.

As far as wrong decisions are concerned we must know that we make choices because they seem right at the moment but sometimes when the outcome doesn’t turn out great, we call them mistakes.

So why repent?

Each one of us has a different definition of a perfect life. A perfect life cannot be measured by the amount of money that one makes, number of goals one scored in a lifetime, the number of countries one conquered. A perfect life has a unique meaning and each one of us should look for our true meaning. Each day is a small addition to our perfect life so waiting for the one day is not a very smart move because that one day might be great but the others that you wasted weigh its importance down.

It all might be too much to take and it is for me too but the sooner we realize, the better because then we have more chances to make that perfect life.

Think about it and I’m sure you’ll find a way to make each and every day count. I will not say “it’s never too late’ today because time is slipping away and there will never be enough time.

I aspire to spend those last few minutes of my life smiling, reminiscing, ready to start the new chapter.

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I hope this touched your heart like it touched mine💙

Truckloads of love,

Girl online.

Choices

“Family dinners, mildly entertaining events that sometimes leave you questioning your genes. Like almost always, the two families were on the dinner table busy talking about a lot of stuff that didn’t matter and some that did.  Amidst forced small talk popped the most irritating question of all times,” beta, what are you planning to do later in life? My parents started before I could breathe out the answer, she’s doing medicine, she studies all day, she is the topper of her class, we’re so proud of her, blah, blah, blah. On hearing this the couple fake smiled and proceeded by taunting their daughter. “did you hear that? she’s in med school and you are dancing still stuck in that fantasy of yours. She’ll be successful while you’ll stay in this small institute. Both she and me looked at each other with sad eyes. The pain was so evident that one could read their thoughts, except for the only people who were expected to. You could tell the difference of emotion in them, her eyes screamed hurt for her own parents had rejected her while mine were envious for she was brave enough to chase her dream despite the rejection.”

Choices. We have to make them all the time. Some easy and small ones, some life changing ones. They are not easy to make and they often put you in a dilemma. How do we know if it’s the right choice?

We are often told that the right one is the one that makes your heart flutter, satisfies your gut, agrees with your loved ones.

I wouldn’t agree to the least

Decisions are made after thinking many things through, the heart, instinct does play a role but to depend on them to make life decisions is too dreamy even for me :p

Most of my close friends are at the turning points of their lives, they are ready to start the next important chapter. In these times decision making becomes a rather difficult and emotional process. At such a tender age we face various hurdles while making decisions. I personally think that when such things are concerned we should take a stand and decide for our own selves rather than listening to the “society”. Taking aid from people that are important in your life is not wrong but letting them choose for you is.

By this time, we have a fair idea of what we like doing. Deciding what you want to do for the rest of your lives sounds huge but in reality the answer to this decision is quiet simple.

Do what you like to do.

One sentence. That’s all. Each one of us has at least one thing that exhilarates us, makes us happy, something that we can do all day, something that we call our strength.

I refuse to accept that anyone of us is “average” in fact I hate that word. No one is average its just that our social system defines “intelligence” in such a narrow way that someone with a 60% is simply termed average. We all have something unique, special about us, even if does doesn’t fit in what we are accustomed to call a “constructive degree” or “intelligence”. Being the next generation it’s our responsibility to think differently, to pave the way for our own selves and the ones to come.

So what if you suck at science or math seems like Greek to you, that does not define your intelligence. We are all unique. If we all start doing the same things, what is the point? if we become clones, what is the point?

Before deciding anything ask yourself, does this make you happy? Will you be able to do it for the rest of your life without losing that drive? Are you ready to fight for it?

Asking yourself, giving it thought will definitely help you make the right choice. And don’t be afraid, even if it’s not the right one you still have the time the change to what makes you happy, it’s never too late. But ultimately the goal is to achieve happiness. I know that money and respect are equally important but if you have all the money in this world and nobody to share it with, nothing to do with it, then what is the point?

Look at it from an individual point of view, not from another’s eyes. Let yourself lose, feel inspired, learn, nurture because these are the things that will mould your life.

And most important of all, remember to love yourself no matter what you chose, don’t be too hard on yourself, it will never help.

I hope all of ya’ll make the right choice!

Lots and lots of love,

Girl Online.

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Guys, after my recent posts a lot of you have been asking me if the small stories that I write before my blog (the part in italics) is from a book that I’ve read or from another source. To answer your question, no I write that on my own. Everything that I write here is purely what I feel. But in case you want to read more about the themes that I write on, please message me on my social media, I will definitely recommend some of my favorites.